Killing Rose
by BelleCeline
Summary: Her absence made me feel more alone than I've ever felt, though I was surrounded by people, and sitting in the house of God.  I'd just killed a piece of my heart: lit it on fire and watched the flames devour it.


**When Dimitri told Rose his love had faded, he feared he killed her. We know how it affected her, but how did he feel, telling her that?**

I was going to kill her. This was me killing Rose. The thought occurred to me as I saw her face fall. There was a quick instant within me in which I felt as though I'd just killed her, like I'd wanted to do when I'd been strigoi. That beautiful face crumpled, and I regretted my words more than anything I'd ever done, more so, even then the people I had killed. I wanted to be punished; I needed to be hurt in a way similar to the way I'd just hurt her. And yet, as cutting as my words had been, they'd worked. She was going to leave.

I hated the way she looked just then, the way she looked as if the world were coming down in pieces around her. I wanted nothing more than to wrap her in my arms, to apologize, whisper sweet things in her ear. But she needed to leave me. She wasn't safe with me. The pain was obvious on her face, like I'd plunged her own stake through her heart. A mask of betrayal settled on her face, and she looked like she was watching someone she loved die before her. I imagine that her love for me was wreathing before her. But she didn't cry. Her face stayed strong as stone, smooth and unconquerable, as she turned and walked out of the church.

Her absence made me feel more alone than I've ever felt, though I was surrounded by people, and sitting in the house of God. I'd just killed a piece of my heart: lit it on fire and watched the flames devour it. She'd been so strong and stubborn, right til the end. If I hadn't said that, she wouldn't have dropped it. I didn't know whether I should regret my words or not, but I did. I wanted her back here, sitting next to me, even if she just wanted to fight. I'd rather her be here than gone. Who knew where she was going? What was she going to do?

I thought bitterly that maybe she was going to see Ivashkov. He would heal her broken heart in ways that I never could. He would always be able to give her things that I could not. He was royalty; he had money and he could offer up security. They wouldn't have to hide their love from the world. They would be able to have children and a family of their own.

And what did I have to give her? A hardened, shriveled heart that had once wanted nothing more than to see her dead? I had no money. I was dedicated to a life of service, and even that was in jeopardy. That was all that I had to my name. I could not give her children. We would be a family of two. That would be all I would ever need, even though I'd always wanted to have children. Rose was strong enough to fill that void, but I wouldn't be able to fill that space in _her_ heart. She was young now, with no desire for the domestic life, but one day she would want that which I couldn't give her. And we could never be honest about our relationship. Anything between us would always distract us from our duties and jeopardize those who we were guarding. I would always care for her before any other person, conflicting with the old things we'd been told about moroi. They come first. If Rose were in my life, I would put her before them unconditionally. That was a gamble that I couldn't take.

And yet the burning hole in my heart was trying to speak louder than my sense of responsibility. I didn't want to be mature; I didn't want to make the right choice. But the time for being naïve and innocent had passed. We could no longer let our love for each other blind us to a world in which we weren't going to have any sort of fairy tale ending. Love is so horribly fragile; Rose is too strong for her own good. I needed her broken down, as much as I didn't want to have to hurt her even more than I already had. I think my words had succeeded; she had left without another word to say, leaving me cold and empty. I was hollow without her near.

I wish she wasn't stubborn. I wish she could have accepted the fact that we simply wouldn't be good together. I wouldn't have had to hurt her then. But I knew that every last thing about her made her the woman I loved. I loved that she was stubborn, that she was strong. I would not change a single thing about her even if I could.

I had always felt bad for the things I did. Ridding the world of Strigoi was always a necessary evil to me; I knew it was for the better, and yet I was killing, and I couldn't see how God could forgive that. Now that I had crossed the proverbial line and turned into the one who killed the innocent, I was sure that forgiveness was not in the question, no matter how much repenting I did. But now that I'd more or less killed her…I was going to hell, I was sure. There was no way around it.

But Rose was stronger than I ever gave her credit for. She wouldn't mope about me. She would be ok without me. I didn't know about myself, but that hardly mattered. Rose could heal and grow from this. But not with me around. I needed to get away from her, for her own good. She could not move on with her life if I was around as a constant reminder of the pain we'd been through.

When I was cleared to leave Court, I would. I could not hold her back any longer. Everything between us had been a mistake. Nothing should have ever happened between us; I should have been strong enough to remember to only be her mentor. I had broken the rules, and now she had to suffer the consequences of my actions. The great moments we'd had together weren't worth it for her to have to go through this pain now. If I could take it all back, I would. Not because I don't love her any longer, but because she deserves to be able to have a life without me messing it up or holding her back. She deserves so much better than me, and I intend for her to have all that life can offer her.

I didn't know where I would go. I could return to Russia, but the memories there were too strong. I would always think about her, about the pain that I had caused her there. I needed to go somewhere new…

The answer that came to me was the best I could manage. I knew that I needed to leave, and though I deserved it, I didn't want to exile myself. I needed somebody around that I knew, that I trusted; I needed somebody that would keep me strong and stop me from breaking my promise to leave Rose alone. The only person I trusted enough to do that was Tasha.

If Rose knew I was going to leave with Tasha it would hurt her even more. I know that she trusted Tasha, and she admired her too, but she had been jealous of her where I was concerned. If Rose found out that I was going to leave her to pursue Tasha's offer, she would hate me more, which would be good for me. But she would also grow to resent Tash, as well. I could not allow for Tasha's relationship with Rose to be compromised on my behalf.

I would have to keep my plans from Rose. It would be easier anyways if I just disappeared from her life without telling her. I didn't want her to hang on anymore. I had just put her through agony to give us a clean break; I would not pour salt in the wound. When Tasha got back to court, I would tell her I had made my decision. Until then, I would avoid Rose. I could not stand to see her hurt again. I would not let anyone break her heart yet again, least of all me.

The tears that came to my eyes were deserved; I deserved to feel two fold all of the pain that I had caused her. When you hurt the one you love, what does it make you? The only answer I could think of was nothing. But it was the right answer, because without Rose I was nothing. Not to myself, at least. I placed my head in my hands, hiding my tears, even though they deserved to be seen. I deserved the humiliation, but anybody who was looking at me would have thought I was praying. And they wouldn't be wrong, because I was praying, even through the pain. I was praying for Rose, for her not to feel any pain anymore.

It might have worked; I stayed in the church for as long as my guards would allow, praying for her pain to ease. And when I got back to my bed, I continued to pray for her. I prayed she would decide she hated me, and that she could forget I had ever existed. And I prayed for a distraction, something that would keep her mind off of me. I was thinking along the lines of Ivashkov, but I was desperate. Anything would work.

I kept replaying the scene in my head, thinking of the lines I had worked so desperately on. They had needed to be just strong enough. _Love fades. _It was true. Love was strong between strong people, but weak and fragile on other occasions. Love did fade, but I hadn't simply loved Rose. She was the one person that I understood perfectly. I would have married her, and loved her and spent every moment by her side. I would go to the end of the Earth for her. Love fades. But true love? I wasn't so sure.

**Ok, I started this when I was bored. I like to do all kinds of things on the side, and I am really enjoying one shots because they can be so liberating. I don't really like Dimitri, but writing him gives me a chance to explore sides of him I would not explain in Last sacrifice: Blood Lust. So it was fun, and I figured I shouldn't just leave it on the computer in a folder. It may suck, but it shouldn't be forgotten. It's toxic to write things and then never do anything with them :) I wrote this listening to Love The Way You Lie by Eminem and Rihanna, and it was a pretty powerful experience. So if I tortured you thus far, you might as well let me know ;) Let me know what you thought of it in a review!**

**love much, BelleCeline**


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